It's the Eve of Christmas Day and, with my family around me, I find myself reaching back to my past. Not of volition, not of choice but almost as if it's pulling me. I can't seem to escape it.
An astrologer said just yesterday, or the day before, I can't remember, not to fall into the trap that the past will hold as Saturn and Pluto square off in their dance. I vowed to follow, to think of the present and what the future might bring. But I've found myself defenseless to the lure of choices made long ago.
As the planets surround and connect with me natally it seems that I've lost all control. A conjunction here, a T-Square there and another just waiting in the wings. A trine and an inconjunct, another a square and the energies flash around in a fury. When one planet is touched, the rest are afire and spin in my head like a blur.
Back my heart reaches to times where I've hurt and caused my loved ones such pain. If I could only return and do it again would the pain in my soul would go away? But I can't and I know it and this causes such sorrow on a day when all hearts should be free.
That it hurts so deeply I can't sometimes breathe is a wonder to behold on it's own. I raise my eyes and pray for my soul, insistent that I was the cause for such heartache and that I was the cause for my own. The past is a terror that frightens me now and I've never been scared of a thing. I've marched into battle and into the darkness where my life has been there for the taking without thinking if it mattered at all.
But this is new, this past that haunts me and I cry to please be released. May the ache in my heart begone and the spirit of life be with me. I love my family so...